Benidorm blondes(Joke)

[rondetto]

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which
worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"We won't know until we can get it down off the chandelier."

[rondetto]

It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must.

"Mum, you are no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what will happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when..... you know... when.... God forbid... you pass on?"

The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.

"I mean, Mum, like.... how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? or cremated?"

There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you simply surprise me?"

[rondetto]

A girl of seven walked into her mother's bedroom and asked her to tell her a bedtime story.

The mother wasn't thrilled with the request. She said, "It's almost two in the morning."

"I know, Mommy, but I'd love to hear a story."

The mother said, "Lie down in bed with me. We'll wait for your father to come home and he'll tell us both one!"

[rondetto]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mum, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says they were developed from monkeys."

The mother answers, "Well dear, it's very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, while your father told you about his side."

[rondetto]

A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying, "I just don't know how he did it!"

Finally the doctor managed to remove the little car, and the father and son left.

A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up his nose. He told the doctor, "Now I know how he did it!"

[rondetto]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A SONY PLAY STATION. I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD Player.."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Granny is!"

[rondetto]

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.

"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"

"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."

[rondetto]

Bubba and Earl are quietly sitting in their boat fishing, and chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba shouts
"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife......She ain't spoken to me for 2 months now."

Earl spits his baccy overboard, takes a long slow gulp of his beer and says.

"Better think about it............Woman like that are hard to find."

[rondetto]

My cousin is in a bad spot. He's got a bad inner ear problem that needs surgery soon, or he'll lose his hearing on that side. He's broke though and the op' can only be done privately. The cost is WAY too much for him.

He does have a way out, though.

A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the operation, but only if he'll marry her, afterwards! She's 50 years older than him!

You could call it a wife or deaf situation.

[rondetto]

One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.

"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY quid eh?", quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the darn car!" answered the boy.

"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO!", screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you in the car?" Asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Lada, you live with it..."

[rondetto]

Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grand-father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."

The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband in-terrupted Mark, "What made the submarine sink, was it the octopus?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "No, Grandad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

[rondetto]

There were three women waiting to be executed: A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. It was an old-fashioned execution. Of course, these women didn't want to die, so they needed a plan. The redhead said, "I have an idea. Follow my lead."

So, when it was time for the redhead's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied.

"Okay then. We're set. Ready. Aim... "

"TORNADO!" the redhead yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped!

The brunette and blonde saw this. So, when it was time for the brunette's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied. "Okay then. We're set. Ready. Aim... "

"FLOOD!" the brunette yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped, too!

Now the blonde understood this. So, when it was time for the blonde's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied. "Okay then. We're set. Ready. Aim... " Then the blonde shouted:

"FIRE!" ...

[rondetto]

Blonde: "Now what do I do?"

Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"

Blonde: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name'."

Tech Support: "Okay, so type in your last name."

Blonde: "How do you spell that?"

[rondetto]

A young blonde teenager goes to the doctor for a yearly physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths."

The young blonde teen replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen."

Completing his examination of the uncommonly well-built, beautiful blonde, the doctor said solemnly, "You are a very sick young lady. I don't want you returning to work this afternoon."

The doctor continued to say, "Go home, get undressed, and get into bed. Drink about one-third of this bottle of medicine that I'm preparing for you; it will make you drowsy. And, this is very important: I don't want you to answer your phone or let anybody into your apartment until you hear three short knocks... "

[rondetto]

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6000 for these boobs. I'm not shooting myself in the chest'."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3000 to my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth'."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, 'This is going to make a loud noise,' so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

"And THAT is how you shot yourself in the finger? "Yes," she replied.

[rondetto]

A motorway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the congested motorway. Glancing at the car, the officer was astounded to see that the beautiful blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Conceding that the blonde woman was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop calmly cranked down his car window, turned on his horn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back. "IT'S A SCARF!"

Sandee, a blonde, had two painfully red ears, so she decided that she had better go see her doctor. Sandee's doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.

The blonde answered, "I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang. But instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in utter disbelief. "But, what in heaven's name happened to your other ear?"

Sandee replied, "I tried to call 999 for an ambulance!"

[rondetto]

One day, a blonde walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I need to see the upturn, please."

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the blonde. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway," stated the blonde.

The nurse replied, "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the blonde replied, "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

[rondetto]

When I was young my ambition was to go to medical school, but I didn't pass the entrance exam.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors... I still don't know why I failed.

[rondetto]

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet in the Helicopter she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

[rondetto]

A young blonde woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues. The blonde replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"

[rondetto]

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room, she told the painter that she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said that she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of Irish men laying a lawn across the street."

[rondetto]

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?" asked the clerk.

The blonde customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."

After a while, the blonde man returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

[rondetto]

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, a young girl said unhappily, "Mum, do you realize some poor animal suffered so you could have that?"

Her mother shot her an angry look, "How dare you talk about your father like that?"

[rondetto]

Maria a beautiful Latino fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa. Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another boyfriend.

Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother".

So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after telling papa again, he said, "Maria there's trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, my darling. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo is your half-brother too."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said "My darling, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa."

[rondetto]

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."